Thoughts from a thinker - regarding sex ed.

Lately I've been spending a whole lot of time reading the Thinking Housewife. Talk about information overload! She is a prolific poster on many aspects of Christian and Western European/North American culture. For the most part I highly recommend her blog, but every once in a while I came across a comment that just made my fingertips itch. Right now I plan to get in a little scratching. I'm going to schedule some of them out though so that it doesn't become an extended monologue :)

In the comments following a post about some crazy Canadian educators who think sex ed should cover ways to tell if a drunk girl is really "consenting" I found, what I felt to be, a rather disturbing statement of the hyper-conservative kind.

Mary posted the following:

Parents abdicated because they were convinced by educators that one must discuss the *mechanics* of sex with their children. This is patently absurd and most unnecessary, as obviously the human species has managed to proliferate without classroom instruction for time immemorial. There is nothing embarassing about telling children that the procreative act is beautiful and sacred and reserved for marriage; delicate language delivers the message home without awkwardness because the children are not hearing nonsense or embarrassing detail from a stranger in a classroom full of people, but they are receiving eternal truth from the person designed by God to instruct them in eternal truths; and so they are beautifully receptive to it.

Especially in this day and age when they’re bombarded with images to the contrary, it’s a actually relief for children and teenagers to be told that this is something they don’t have to worry about yet, that they can take their time and grow up; that physical intimacy is one of the goods of married people and until they are married they need not be concerned about it. They are free to wonder in innocence and look forward to something lovely and to in confidence move beyond the pervasive sexual pressure present in our society. (emphasis mine)

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Frankly, I think Mary has been parenting with a bucket on her head if she thinks she can just allude to some rather pleasant "procreative act" and leave her teenaged children to a sort of pre-Christmas blissful ignorance. Heaven help the poor kids if they visit a farm, pick up a book from the library (or the bookshelf - Dr. Dobson's book for adolescents anyone?), or spend a couple hours walking around the mall. Regrettably, we live in a highly sexualized culture, but we can't just wish it away. While I think that telling kids sex isn't something they shouldn't really be thinking about (ie concerned with) for a few years it probably good encouragement, I think that discussion should be framed with the understanding that kids will get as much information as they want (and is appropriate) from their parents. An older woman I know once told me she thought a girl could get pregnant if she was wearing a swimsuit and sitting next to boy also wearing a swimsuit. We hear stuff like that and laugh, but I'm sure it probably caused more than a little unnecessary anxiety on her part.

I don't have kids yet, but I don't plan to let my daughters (and sons) wander around in an information vacuum. Kids are curious little buggers and will often keep asking questions until they get an answer. Be glad they're asking you and not running off to a librarian or the internet. I wasn't told more than the bare minimum (which I already knew thanks to the good doctor mentioned above), and when I looked for more information I didn't always find the good stuff. I'm not saying that you should sit your kids down for a full move by move discussion, but it should be more than "Tab A, Slot B, feels good, makes babies, but don't until you're married." Talk to them about temptation and chastity. Don't leave them vulnerable to someone who might prey on their ignorance. Give them a true innocence that sees the good in God's order and dismissed all mankind's perversions. And if you can't parent up and deal with a little embarrassment then at least find some Mother in Israel who can answer their questions and fears and desires with humor, dignity and wisdom. Heaven knows someone needs to do it.


P.S.

I find it hilarious that she refers to a "sacred" "procreative act." Sex might be all that, but it's not only that. There's a whole lot of warmth and humor and enthusiasm and just plain old play as well. Sex is a pretty boisterous part of life and not something you pack away in dried lavender along with your first locket and Nana's lace hankies.

Sneak peek

Just a phone picture I took of our progress getting our house put back together. My father-in-law had some of his guys prep the walls and ceilings (think painted over wall paper and a poorly mudded ceiling), but I'm tackling the painting myself. Although he gave us a quote to have his guys prime it for us the savings are enough for me to get the chandelier I want. You might say I have some motivation :) I have to say that painting the ceiling isn't actually that hard.

Speaking of painting, do you think I tried enough samples? I've got ten different yellow oranges, three blues for the kitchen, and four more lighter blues for the living/dining room. Plus three more colors I mixed from some of the samples. I think we've decided though. Fortunately Allen and I seen to have similar taste. The only question is whether the ceiling paint is too dark. It throws of these wonderful purple and golden tones as the light changes, but I'm wondering if I should go a shade lighter. Any thoughts?

women and unwitting affliction

Allen tells me that I worry too much about what people think, and he's right. One bad word can put a serious damper on my day. I'm getting better about that, but the tendency still exists. Given that tendency it's easy for me to get dishearted when I read conservative bloggers talking about current women's issues because eventually they'll get around to fertility. They'll point out how women are putting off their childbearing years so they can sit around punching numbers into a computer or how early pregnancy is the best preventative for breast cancer. You want to know my first thought when I read that? "Thanks God, this sucks." Imagine telling an infertile woman that, through no fault of her own, not only will she never have grandkids (barring adoption) but that she's at a higher risk of dying from cancer. I'm hoping someone misread that study because that's a seriously huge "life's not FAIR!" moment right there. Huge one. I know life isn't fair to begin with, but that's egregious.

Anyway, it's easy for me to get frustrated by just how much I look like these selfish/deluded/pick your adjective women. I'm nearly 29, been married almost 6 years, and we don't have children. Someone could easily look at us and see the embodiment of so much they dislike about the modern American woman. In a t-shirt and shorts there's nothing that exactly screams "conservative Christian housewife" to the passing observer. Ok, so maybe my shorts are a bit longer than average. Sometimes I have a hard time feeling like I look like something I don't want to be.

The good news for me personally is that I'm finally on medication for a thyroid disorder which I hope will put everything back in order. No promises there, but I'm hopeful. Just don't expect a blow by blow report. I've definitely over shared in the past and learned my lesson. To return to my point though, I'm coming to feel that, frustrating as it may be, part of the affliction involved with dealing with delayed or absent fertility is the realization that some people will misjudge you. People will make pointed (or "encouraging") remarks when they see you with a friend's child. If you have a career they may wonder where your real loyalties lay. It's not fair, but it does happen. More than two kids or less than one and it seems like women are fair game for commentary. I suppose the important thing is to know where you stand and just take it as part of the cross we all have to carry. And have a little hope. Sure we love all the moms and kidlets running around at church, but I believe the Church needs women of all stripes to work out a purpose and a dignity that involves more than marriageability and functional ovaries. It's a glorious part of female life, but it's hardly all-encompassing.

speaking of what women should be like

An ad popped up on my Pandora station about something called "Emily's List." It's a group that works to get progressive democrat women elected into public office. What got me though is that the ad started off by announcing that the US ranks (insert shockingly low number here) in the number of elected women officials but then very quickly identified itself with pro-choice democrats. So remember this, my fellow American women, your vote and representation only count when you vote pro-choice/democrat. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to keep voting for men. Or not voting. The number of decent candidates in any given race these days is appallingly small. I can do more good singing hymns in church on Sunday than most elected officials do in their entire career.

Also, no linky. 'Cause I don't think a group like that deserves more internet traffic. Seriously, that's one of the most blatant bait and switch tactics I've ever heard in an advertising campaign. It's easy enough to google if you don't believe me.

Of wives and kingdoms

You know how you'll be driving around town running errands and have a bunch of ideas just sort of collide in your brain? This isn't just me is it? Anyway, if this post seems more fanciful than usual just blame it on the boredom of an hour spent in traffic :)

In all the words spilled on how women are like "this" or should be like "that" I haven't read much on the subject of crowns. Specifically I'm thinking of that bit in Proverbs 12 which says, "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones." Of course the first question I started asking myself when that verse came to mind was "What exactly is a crown?" Besides being a generally circular and often shiny bit of headgear, it's largely a symbol. People talking about stealing crowns and overthrowing them and then restoring them don't mean (by and large) that they're going to break into HRM's wall safe. Instead they mean they're working to arrange a transfer of royal power either to themselves or some other person. Therefore a crown signifies authority, dominion, and legitimacy. When the guy with the crown shows up people tend to say "Yes, sir" a lot. This tells me that when we as wives are doing our jobs well our husbands will accrue respect and authority. Consider this - there's a whole group of people out there (mostly men and sociologist) who've decided that women really like high status men and that they'd rather compete for partial attention from a high status male (read: sleep around) than settle for a lower status man. I think there's a fair bit of truth to that (Hello, New York women/Hello, fundy Mormons), but here's something I just thought. Why aren't any of these women considering how they can increase their man's status? I'm not saying you should go around trying to reform smucks, but just think about for a second. These women are all upset that there aren't enough high status men to go around when it would seem that at least part of the solution is in their own hands. Be the right kind of woman! I don't think that would solve everything, but it sure couldn't hurt. According to Proverbs, the opposite of a crown is essentially osteoporosis, and that sure ain't cool. You can't go around physically tearing men down and then have rational grounds for complaining about the lack of decent men.

What kind of behavior might be considered "excellent" or crown-worthy? The Old and New Testaments are full of examples and exhortations for wives, but I'd say that a short list should include activities that increase your husband's reputation, dominion, and authority. In my world this means resolving to speak well of Allen at every opportunity, helping him serve and love his friends, and making space for him to pursue projects outside work. This is on top of generally trying to be a helpful, non-crazy person - which is harder than it has to be some days :P Also, just for clarity's sake, this doesn't mean that I can't/don't talk to anyone about the vagaries of husbandly behavior. I have a short list (ie under five names) of people that Allen and I both know and trust and to whom I will go if there's something bothering me. For everyone else - it's called need to know, and you don't. This applies double for prayer requests. How would you feel if your husband's accountability group was praying over your inability to discipline the kids or keep your temper with his mom? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Part of what kicked off this whole blog post, though, was the idea the crowns come in all shapes and sizes. You've got your super-shiny-monarch-of-Great-Britain crown, there's your basic prince-in-exile tarnished crown, elfin circlets - just think about all the different stories you've read or seen in movies and how the different crowns look and the stories they help tell. Some women are definitely old gold and rubies material. They're gracious, capable, beautiful woman, and it's easy to see how they adorn their husband's lives. Other women seem a little more dinged up on the surface, but underneath they're pure gold and testify to years of hard work and dedication. That's how it is. A farmer might not have much use for a Sunday to go meeting crown, and a lawyer might need something a little less wash and wear. The woman who adorns her big town banker husband's life would be pretty blingy and useless as the wife of a small town hardware store owner. Same basic job description with hundreds of different ways to fulfill it. That's why I get frustrated with overly specific how to manuals for wives - it's one thing to be a faithful and chaste wife and another thing to know when your husband needs you to speak up and when to keep quiet. Our lives, our marriage, and our gifts all look different. This sounds a little sappy, but it needs to be said. It doesn't matter who you are, when you're being a faithful wife you're a beautiful and glorious woman whose life bespeaks and confers honor and dignity.

A short story about choosing paint colors (or my journey from despair to hope)

I really don't know how most people choose paint colors, but when my MIL reminded me that it would be easier to paint before all the cabinets and things went up it sent me into a brief flurry of sifting through colors cards (of which I have too many) until I finally threw up my hands in despair. Red? Orange? Green? Yellow? I've lately seen a lot of really nice blues and turquoise tones in the design blogs I've been reading, but do I like them because they're beautifully staged and photographed rooms or because those paint colors really make me happy? I wasn't sure. Most of my furniture is stashed away under plastic while the workers install sheet rock, and all my art is still in boxes. At that moment I was convinced that it would take me a week of sitting in the kitchen shuffling with dozens of paint chips to find a suitable color. Fortunately I'm a stubborn little housewife and tend to stick with projects like this until something materializes. Enter my picture taken from Gaylor Peak in Yosemite National Park. While flailing around to find some unifying principle I could use to organize our new home I decided to go with National Parks/traveling/outdoors. It tied into something I'm passionate about, fit most of what we already owned, and would hopefully keep me from trying to paint every single room a different and totally unrelated color. Fortunately for me Sherman Williams has this nifty little "Chip It!" tool bar thing (yeah, I totally have no clue what those buttons that live under the search bar are called). Anyway, Chip It will let you find out what colors are in your favorite images. So I pulled up a bunch of images I'd posted to facebook and chipped way like mad for about five minutes. I found that many of my favorite images contained lighter, turquoise leaning blues (aka "sky blue"), gray, gold, and some sort of earthy green. With those colors firmly in mind I did a couple mock-ups of some color schemes to show Allen, and he was pretty happy. Looks like I might be able to start painting before the cabinets go in after all!

Wayne County and old photos

Allen and I spent Memorial Day weekend visiting his great-aunt up in Indiana, and despite a rough start on Friday and Saturday (lack of sleep + lots of stress = grouchy) we really ended up having a good time. Despite her age and dodgy hearing, Aunt Kathy can really be a hoot. She and Allen joked around, and she can be pretty stubborn when she wants to be :) I was expecting to spend a whole lot of time sitting around in her room, but instead we ended up spending quite a while driving around Wayne County visiting various places she hadn't seen in a while. Saturday, after we took her southern soul to get some chicken and dumplings with okra, we ended up walking around the rose garden (well, Aunt Kathy we wheeled around) and driving around town trying to find her old church, so we'd be sure we could find it in the morning. Then we went back and looked at pictures and talked until she started falling asleep. I've never seen someone (outside of Allen's family) with that many family pictures. I've seen maybe one or two pictures of my grandfather, but Aunt Kathy has dozens and dozens of pictures of her husband. Some are snaps taken during WWII and some are from family events and trips. She's got pictures of her in-laws (taken in the 30's) and her husband's grandparents and her brothers and sisters and so many other people. It just astounds me. Allen and I ended up scanning a fair few just to make sure the family doesn't end up losing them.

The next day I was able to sleep in while Allen took Aunt Kathy to Sunday school. (Have I mentioned lately that my husband rocks?) Fortunately our lodging and her church were close enough together that Allen could slip back and pick me up before services started. It was funny. Allen told me that when he delivered Aunt Kathy to her Sunday school room all the ladies were thrilled to see her and promptly shooed him off to the young men's study. From his telling I was getting a "run along to your own fort, boy, we've got our own right here" impression :) That was the first time I'd been in a Baptist church in umpteen years, and, God love Aunt Kathy, I stood up with them and sang the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" on Memorial Day weekend. I wanted to ask if we could sing "Dixie" afterwards, but I figured that since it doesn't have "hymn" in the title they wouldn't go along with it. (For the record, it doesn't matter if you change the name - the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" is a Yankee military song and has no more place in a church than "Sweet Home Alabama" does. Which is to say, it's not a hymn or psalm or spiritual song.) As for the sermon, I shall pass over it quietly. There are places where Baptists still like their sermons loud and full of vim, but that doesn't mean that they aren't a kindly, friendly lot. Every single member of that church came down from afterwards (at the pastor's request) to hug Aunt Kathy's neck, and that was such a delight to her.

Later that day we went and drove off to find some of the places Aunt Kathy remembered from her newly wed days just after the war. I think she may have pointed out three or four different places where the school teacher lived. I don't know if there were a bunch of school teachers or just one who moved a good bit, and it really didn't matter. She did end up directing us to the cabin Uncle Haskell built for them - it was the last house they lived in together I believe. Every time I go up there I'm reminded of how fragile and short life is. Like those boxes of pictures Aunt Kathy has - those pictures mean the world to her. They mean a lot the generation after her, and they even mean a good bit to Allen and I. But what will they mean to our kids (or if not our kids then the next generation of this family)? It's not something I've gotten my head wrapped around yet, but I think Psalm 103 contains at least part of the answer:

15 As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
17 But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children’s children,
18 to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
19 The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.

Perhaps, at the end, it is enough that God remembers.