Wayne County and old photos

Allen and I spent Memorial Day weekend visiting his great-aunt up in Indiana, and despite a rough start on Friday and Saturday (lack of sleep + lots of stress = grouchy) we really ended up having a good time. Despite her age and dodgy hearing, Aunt Kathy can really be a hoot. She and Allen joked around, and she can be pretty stubborn when she wants to be :) I was expecting to spend a whole lot of time sitting around in her room, but instead we ended up spending quite a while driving around Wayne County visiting various places she hadn't seen in a while. Saturday, after we took her southern soul to get some chicken and dumplings with okra, we ended up walking around the rose garden (well, Aunt Kathy we wheeled around) and driving around town trying to find her old church, so we'd be sure we could find it in the morning. Then we went back and looked at pictures and talked until she started falling asleep. I've never seen someone (outside of Allen's family) with that many family pictures. I've seen maybe one or two pictures of my grandfather, but Aunt Kathy has dozens and dozens of pictures of her husband. Some are snaps taken during WWII and some are from family events and trips. She's got pictures of her in-laws (taken in the 30's) and her husband's grandparents and her brothers and sisters and so many other people. It just astounds me. Allen and I ended up scanning a fair few just to make sure the family doesn't end up losing them.

The next day I was able to sleep in while Allen took Aunt Kathy to Sunday school. (Have I mentioned lately that my husband rocks?) Fortunately our lodging and her church were close enough together that Allen could slip back and pick me up before services started. It was funny. Allen told me that when he delivered Aunt Kathy to her Sunday school room all the ladies were thrilled to see her and promptly shooed him off to the young men's study. From his telling I was getting a "run along to your own fort, boy, we've got our own right here" impression :) That was the first time I'd been in a Baptist church in umpteen years, and, God love Aunt Kathy, I stood up with them and sang the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" on Memorial Day weekend. I wanted to ask if we could sing "Dixie" afterwards, but I figured that since it doesn't have "hymn" in the title they wouldn't go along with it. (For the record, it doesn't matter if you change the name - the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" is a Yankee military song and has no more place in a church than "Sweet Home Alabama" does. Which is to say, it's not a hymn or psalm or spiritual song.) As for the sermon, I shall pass over it quietly. There are places where Baptists still like their sermons loud and full of vim, but that doesn't mean that they aren't a kindly, friendly lot. Every single member of that church came down from afterwards (at the pastor's request) to hug Aunt Kathy's neck, and that was such a delight to her.

Later that day we went and drove off to find some of the places Aunt Kathy remembered from her newly wed days just after the war. I think she may have pointed out three or four different places where the school teacher lived. I don't know if there were a bunch of school teachers or just one who moved a good bit, and it really didn't matter. She did end up directing us to the cabin Uncle Haskell built for them - it was the last house they lived in together I believe. Every time I go up there I'm reminded of how fragile and short life is. Like those boxes of pictures Aunt Kathy has - those pictures mean the world to her. They mean a lot the generation after her, and they even mean a good bit to Allen and I. But what will they mean to our kids (or if not our kids then the next generation of this family)? It's not something I've gotten my head wrapped around yet, but I think Psalm 103 contains at least part of the answer:

15 As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
17 But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children’s children,
18 to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
19 The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.

Perhaps, at the end, it is enough that God remembers.

This old house

It feels like we just sort of tumbled into this whole remodel. At first we were only going to do the master suite so we could get moved in and figure out exactly what we wanted to do with the kitchen and main living areas (and save up a little money). My father-in-law had other things we was working on at the time, and we were hoping that we could put together a place where we could stay while work was being done in other parts of the house. Well the bonuses came through in spades, so it turned out that we had the money and my FIL had the time. We didn't have a completed master bedroom, but he started knocking down some walls in the living room and pulling out the ceiling anyway - the reasoning being that since fiberglass insulation gets everywhere it would be better to get the mess done before we start finishing off areas of the house. So we grabbed a few things and hightailed it back to Allen's folk's house where we are (again) inhabiting their spare bedroom. You see the master has it's own exterior door (and bathroom) so we could come and go in that part of the house even with work being done elsewhere. With a camp stove, a fridge, and few local restaurants we hoped to make out ok in our own place. But it's not done. Also, Allen and I did some tests on food allergens and both came up with a hefty list of things NOT TO EAT which means that life isn't as simple as eating as many gyro wraps as I want. In an ideal world we get retested and find out that we can add everything back into our diet - even if on an occasional, rotating basis- but that seems rather unlikely. And yes that's stressful. We're remodeling, staying with Allen's parents, dealing with a rather strict new diet, and trying to figure out what physical issues have kept us from having kids. Is that enough for one month? I firmly believe that nearly 90% of my health is emotional, and honestly I've felt pretty darn bad lately. This is just my life right now. I'm back at that "sleep through everything" stage I thought I'd left behind me. I suppose it's good to know that it's still there so maybe I can work on finding ways to avoid it. However I have to admit that I'm starting to get twinges of regret that we didn't buy one of our other top 3 houses with a working kitchen and very little need for remodeling. I'd probably be finished painting it by now :)

odd posting order

Hey there - so my blog decided to post out of order, and since I'm too lazy to (try and) fix it I'm just going to post the link up here where folks can see it :)

Linky linky!

Once a month blogging and a house update

Well despite all my good intentions I seem to be a once a month blogger. I have all these ideas swirling around in my head, but someone they never seem as important as sorting through over ten thousand light fixtures on Etsy (no, that's not an exaggeration) or researching ceiling insulation or just plain old crashing with some free entertainment from Hulu. Oh well.

As you can tell I've been somewhat obsessed with our current home remodel. Given that my energy levels have been approximately zilch lately I've been doing a lot more looking than doing, but the looking is paying off as well. Currently we've got all our stuff in our new house, but since we currently lack a kitchen ceiling we're back with Allen's folks :) Since the finances are looking good (thank you for quarterly bonuses!) we're going ahead with vaulting some of our ceilings and remodeling the kitchen. We're currently at the "measure everything for the 17th time and try to choose appliances and lighting" stage. It gets tedious. I fell in love with some soapstone countertops, and they're causing me to rethink how I spend money in/on the rest of our kitchen!

contemporary kitchen design by boston architect Frank Valdes

No those aren't my countertops (although I do have a red Kitchenaid). They're just the countertops I would like to have :) Unfortunately they aren't so cheap. That means trimming down on lighting and other finishes so that I don't feel like a complete chump for spending Allen's money on real stone. Scratch that. I will feel like a chump but only until the fabricators leave. Afterwards I'll be too excited to care. Seriously, that stuff is gorgeous. It's warmer and softer than a lot of stones, and it patinas wonderfully with time. I've even got Allen mostly convinced :)

So that's my life right now. While I'm sitting here I'm going to try and crank out some scheduled posts to fill in the gaps instead of falling off the face of the earth for a month at a time. It's just easy to get tunnel vision though when your wishes and your purse are slightly at odds. I've discovered the cheap hussies of the lighting world (six months later you wish you hadn't) and the classy grande dames (they wear well, but the initial investment is considerable). Now I'm looking for the thrifty housewife of chandeliers - unpretentious, wears well, undemanding. And for some reason I'm reminded of the phrase "her worth is far above rubies." Guess I might have to let the hussies and the grande dames fight it out after all cause I sure don't have any rubies!

Five years and counting

Just now that Allen and I are starting to feel settled my cousin popped up on facebook with some "exciting news" which is honestly a little bit challenging. In the past five years we've been through a fair number of ups and downs, but one constant remains - no kids. Just hasn't been happening for us. We've been through some rough patches with that, but really the thing I find most disconcerting at the moment is how well Allen and I fit into the "friendly people with no kids" stereotype. I go places with my friend's three kids. Their youngest daughter runs up to me church saying "Miss Natalie!"; their son tells me about his video games, and their oldest daughter goes shopping with me sometimes. Allen dangles all the little boys by their ankles after church, and we're generally "good with kids." Don't get me wrong - there are moments when I get a little queasy hearing about yet another birth/baby shower/new pregnancy. I might walk a little faster past the baby aisle at Target, but I'm generally ok with things. It's just funny how well we quickly settle down into certain roles. People with kids act one way. People who are glad not to have kids act another way. People making the best of not having kids tend to do a little more traveling and "take an interest" in the families around them. I guess I'm turning into my mom after all =) (I mean this in a good way - she didn't have me for eight years and previous to that ran the church youth group with my dad. All I need is a dog and keys to the church van, and I'm set.)

This isn't a pity party post. I don't particularly want sympathy. It's just more a reflection on coming to a point where, although I still desire a family, I no longer feel so completely left out of God's story and the life of His Church. There are a lot of broken people in the Bible - people who were incomplete and yet loved of God and who did their work anyway. I've been reading a study of Ecclesiastes which just confirms that we live in a funny old world and that the ability to laugh at it a gift from God (possibly the gift granted the Proverbs 31 woman?). Sometimes things don't work out the way we planned, and according the Ecclesiastes that seems to mean that we should pick up a bottle of red and curl up the couch with a Marx Brother's movie. The good things in life are still good, and the bad things will be evened up in Heaven. It's a sort of sanctified cynicism, a sort of holy hedonism that appeals to me. There's room here for me both be broken and to put that brokenness aside and enjoy playing Super Mario with Allen.

All that said I've by no means given up on us having kids. Even with everything still in boxes or (worse) half out of boxes I'm starting to feel settled. I don't feel constantly plagued by depression. I have a house and the expectation of being in one place at the least the next few years. It's a good place to be, and it's a good time to start asking questions.

Created to Be His Help Meet: Part 2 (Love that Man!)

Yes, I do realize that at this rate I'm probably going to be finishing up around Thanksgiving. Someone at this address doesn't handle stress or multitasking very well. Guess what skills I've been working on since we bought our new house? (Pictures are forthcoming. I promise.)

Chapter 16 is all about teaching younger women to love their husbands. It's a great chapter because in many ways Mrs. Pearl has a refreshingly frank and cheerful manner in discussing sexual relationships between husbands and wives, and it's great to hear a women teaching wives to be cheerful, enthusiastic, playful helpmeets in this area. Unfortunately it seems that no one remotely normal ever writes to Mrs. Pearl, and the the frequent lack of nuance in her replies does little to normalize the issue. While her overall point (sex is something that should a cheerful, frequent part of life with your husband) is good, some of the specifics are troubling or odd.

I found it rather interesting that Mrs. Pearl makes no provision for husbands and wives to discuss when they have sex beyond the husband saying, "How about now?" and wife responding, "Sounds great!" Although I think she's generally wise to challenge women to rethink their excuses for not having sex, I think there's really more to it than that. Perhaps this is a couple where the wife is consistently frustrated at being woken up either late at night or early in the morning and ten minutes of talking about when the baby needs to eat or how much sleep she needs to get before packing four lunch boxes (or perhaps whether lunch should be packed the night before) would resolve that little tangle and result in two well rested and satisfied people instead of one. There are ways of saying, "Hey did you remember I have to be up at 5:30" or "I'm feeling fat and grouchy and unattractive" that indicate one's desire to have a serving, willing heart and yet let the other person know that maybe planning to sleep late the next day would be more satisfactory. It's a heart issue that Mrs. Pearl doesn't address.

My critique at this point might sound a little more disjointed than usual because in the chapter more than ever it's in the corners and crannies that we find Mrs. Pearls idiosyncrasies. For instance, in several places (p 164,168) Mrs. Pearl refers to men's egos being entirely wrapped up in being a successful lover. As she puts it: "Making his wife feel glorious when he touches her in the ultimate test of his manhood --the very measure of the man" (p164). Really? I asked Allen and he agreed with me that this seemed sort of odd. She's essentially decreeing one relational mode for all men everywhere based on her observations. More a "citation needed" moment than anything. There's another one on page 169 where she says that all women have basically the same sex drives. Really? I've read more than one book about sex and marriage, and I never gotten the impression that sex drives were assigned by gender. (Newsflash: All women have lower sex drives than men is a myth.) The biggest "citation needed" blooper comes at the very end though where Mrs. Pearl says, "God always speaks first to the wife" (p172). Sometimes God works by having a wife submit to an ungodly husband, and sometimes it's a Godly husband who loves his ungodly wife. Having a submissive wife may help, but one could almost extrapolate that a man can't either love an unsubmissive wife or win a lost wife through loving her as God loves the church. Either one might be somewhat rare, but they are fully in accord with the narrative thrust of Scripture. Moving on.....

In addition a few odd, unsupported claims, towards the end Mrs. Pearl says that she doesn't want to hear all the reasons why women don't feel able to fully participate in sex --injuries during childbirth, menopause, sheer exhaustion from chasing five kids, etc. She tells women to stop the excuses and put out forth haste. Not bad general advice, but I'd feel a whole lot better if she had any practical suggestions (consulting healthcare professionals, counseling, a better sleeping schedule, more comfortable positions or times). All too often we hear of women struggling not only with their own sexual dysfunction but with deep shame and even callous or disbelieving medical professionals. How much better at this point if Mrs. Pearl had taken time to reiterate to these women the importance of sexual intimacy to their husbands and brainstorm some ways wives can help maintain that intimacy as they seek more permanent healing. However that (as I have noted before) would require nuance :)

Next time: Wives - love ya kids! (Assuming you have kids. And I'm just realizing that I don't think Mrs. Pearl mentions infertility once in this book. Not that she necessarily should have. Just a realization.)

Easter Blessings

My best wishes for a joyous and blessed Easter to all you folks out in the blogsphere. I'm coming to realize that Christianity is in many ways truer, harder, and more blessed than I'd realized. It takes time to let it sink down in your bones to the point where you have room for your faith and doubts to rub elbows and not bother each other so much - to have room to believe all of Scripture (especially the hard bits) and still wrestle with fitting them together and living them out (especially the bits you take for granted). Our celebration of the Resurrection is a time to enjoy our beliefs and work them out with roast ham, chocolate rabbits, new dresses, and perhaps a more fervent proclamation of the words "Christ has died! Christ has risen! Christ will come again!" One day I hope to live this holiday well and celebrate it with all the joyful fervor I can muster. This year though, I will celebrate with a home scattered in pieces around me, boxes half unpacked, remodeling barely started, and it will be enough.